In a society where so many of us embrace equality, we sometimes mistakenly think that equality may also mean that men and women are the same. Naturally we can be equal and still retain our uniqueness, yet that hasn't stopped some from drawing the conclusions that men and women are not only equal, but that they also need the same things in the same ways. Perhaps men and women are becoming similar as we acknowledge our equalities, but we have a long way to go before we can say we are so alike as to barely experience differences amongst each gender. In any event, women are different from men, it's just a fact. We have different needs and we see ourselves differently. Women usually like it when they are seen as someone who finds harmony amongst others in the midst of confusion. Men, on the other hand don't mind looking like the one who dominates and takes the reigns. For most women, that approach would be uncomfortable, unthinkable even.  Most women feel complimented if you say that they look thinner in that dress, for instance. As for men, well, don't mention they look better in a dress, but seriously, if they aren't overweight, they rarely feel that looking thinner is a compliment!

Men and Women Speak Different Languages

Believe it or not, most women speak a different language than men and vice versa. Everyone has heard the guy in the office cubicle next to them languish about how they will never understand women, which usually gets a giggle from the women he shares the office space with. The women, well they are thinking the same thing, because women find men maddening to comprehend as well. One of the reasons men and women can sometimes be like two ships passing in the night, is because we have different needs and these requirements are played out in the way that we communicate. According to Deborah Tannen, author of That's Not What I Meant; "...communication is always a matter of balancing conflicting needs for involvement and independence. Though everyone has both these needs, women often have a relatively greater need for involvement and men a relatively greater need for independence." The way this can get played out is in the different levels of expectations. Meaning, men view the need not to discuss an issue as a sign of closeness. For a man, if you really care and trust each other, why would anything need to be discussed? It's already "all good." Oh, but alas, for a woman? Women don't measure closeness by the "no need to talk about it" measurement. In fact, women want to talk about it. For women, talking and sharing means closeness. This is how women bond.

Now that you understand this, you will understand how the conversation below became an exercise in how to crash and burn in your relationship. The italics describe what it really going on.

Her: Listen, I just wanted you to know about yesterday- If I could've gotten out of that meeting, I would've wanted to pick you up from the airport. (I am telling you this so you realize I care for you)

Him: Right, listen, no problem. (Doesn't know she is sharing to say that she cares. Whatever it is though, he doesn't need to share or talk it over to feel okay.)

Her: No, but it is a problem. I mean, I just wanted you to know that if you had come in on the flight that you had originally scheduled, things would have worked out. (She would've wanted him to pick her up and she sees his brief reply as a sign that he is upset because she would've been.)

Him: Raises his brows. (Catching a cab is a sign of his ability to take care of himself and that he is capable. For him, it really isn't a problem.)

Her: I can tell you're upset. (She is convinced that he's upset and wants to establish a sense of closeness.)

Him: What do you want here? I called you and asked if you could pick me up and you said you couldn't. So fine- I took a cab! (Frustrated with what he views as her picking an argument, he points out that he did reach out to her.)

Her: If you hadn't changed your flight, none of this would have happened! (In her mind he doesn't believe that she really wanted to be there for him)

Him: Oh, so it's my fault again? (He sees this as her trying to pick an argument and put blame on him.)

What is going on here is that the woman is not being direct. That she is being indirect is not a judgment, but if she had been direct she would have said, "You know I care about you and just couldn't get out of the meeting and get to the airport. Right?" If she'd been direct, her partner could have answered her honestly and let her know that catching a cab was a nonissue for him because he's a competent man who can take care of himself. What would happen next in this revised conversation would determine their level of trust and honesty towards each other. His brevity however, might challenge her ability to trust his words since most people believe nonverbal cues over verbal ones. On the other hand if he was really upset does he trust her enough to be honest? Men don't usually like to admit they are upset because typically they prefer to have the upper hand in an interaction and any perception of weakness is seen as loosing prestige.

How to Avoid Unnecessary Arguments

• Repeat what the other person has said to be sure you've heard them correctly.
• Avoid making comments based on your assumptions: Ask if you need clarification.

• Try not to sigh, or roll your eyes, body language speaks louder than words.

• Be honest about what you are feeling.

• Try not to bring up the past during a heated discussion. If the past is relevant, leave that for a calmer moment.

• Try to avoid speaking in anger, take a deep breath, or a few deep breaths to diffuse the emotions.
• If you are indirect, try to be direct at times, if you are direct, try softening your approach and listening for what may be beyond the words others use.

The differences in your needs are what drive your conversations and the meanings in them. Realize that there will always be that dance between invovlment and independence. Noticing the 'cat and mouse' elements in your own communication style will help you to notice it in others. When you realize that you use communication to keep people at a distance or to bring them in when you are in a trusting place, you will more likely allow others to do the same. Without noticing this in yourselves, you simply end up making judgments and deciding that trying to understand the other just isn't worth your time. 

Copy Right Donya Ture'