Since the beginning of time parents have had difficult children. We tend to think back in the good ole days, it was different, but the truth is, it was never perfect. But there's another truth as well, and that is, life is more complicated now, they are more moving parts and the pace is faster. In the past, many families could get by on one income, and with a stay at home parent, children were molded and cared for by someone who was totally invested in their lives. Now it's different. There was a time when all a child could do for fun was play outside, entertain herself with her own imagination, or read. Now parents have competition and the minds of their children are sought after by the good and bad of our society. With the internet, TV and music industry, you now have someone other than yourself that wants your children's attention, and the way they go about it may very well offend your values.

Let's break some things down and make it very simple. Your child's mind for the first 5 years of their lives belongs to you almost exclusively. It is an empty CD with no concepts about life, behaviors or reality. You and your spouse get to compose countless "songs" about family life, spirituality, manners, survival skills, what is acceptable and what isn't and finally who they are and how they are perceived. Up until now, that CD for good or bad is a reflection of your wisdom or lack, your emotional maturity or lack and your value system or lack of. After your child attends school, things change a little for the next 4 to 5 years or so. Now your child sees other children doing things that they never did, and sometimes this is great and helps with the socializing of personal and interpersonal interactions. Your child also gets to interact with other adults and begins to learn some things from them as well. When however, your child becomes exposed to whatever TV shows they chose, whatever music they like, and whatever is on the internet if your foundation for the first 5-7 years was shaky, you may be in for a very rude awakening as you lose your child to the world. And what this means is that you feel like you are living with a stranger and in many ways this is true, because what has "programmed" your child's behaviors and values may not be you. Think of your child's mind as though it is a computer, and think of values, behaviors and life style as programs. Everyone, and I mean everyone is a product of the programs that are running the thoughts inside their brains. And this includes your precious children. You may feel as though you are living with someone who has nothing in common with your sensibility, and that is because you allowed your child to be influenced by someone other than you and your spouse.

Now let's get back to the first 5 years when you have the stage all by yourself. First, know what you want from your child, ask for it, and stick to it. Expect your child to cry, be obstinate or basically, not on board with your demands. That is, after all, what makes a child a child. Children's brains aren't developed, adolescent's brains aren't developed so they don't have adult sensibilities. Because they don't understand what it takes to live a healthy, successful life they have absolutely no idea of what is in store for them when they get bigger. When your child is young, use time out and communication to reinforce your rules and expectations. If you yell, you are out of control and you will raise a child that will yell back at some point. If you hit your child, you are out of control as well, and you are teaching your child that control through physical punishment is okay. This would be you composing a song that in a few years will make you want to tear your hair out because one day, your child will be in your face doing to you, what you did to them. Keep in mind, you are constructing reality for your children. You are demonstrating how life is supposed to be lived, and they will take you quite frankly, literally. So don't yell or hit, no matter how upset you are unless you actually want to live in a war zone. Just use time outs for young children and explain things in a way so that they grasp at least some part of your reasoning.

As your child matures and their brains comprehend higher and higher levels of reasoning, communicate more with them, explain more. Explaining doesn't make you appear as though you are weak and need to convince a child to do as you like. You are, instead, using every moment as a teaching moment. You are instilling a sense of logic and good thinking skills. Parents, what this means is that you have to have some kind of understanding about values, behaviors and familial/social interactions yourself. If you haven't a clue, this just won't work. So understand why you don't want your child to look at violent movies, or wear skirts that barely touch their thighs. You want to know why it is that your child should go to bed at 8:00 p.m. instead of 10:00. You can say, "Children need their sleep, your bodies and brains are growing more during this time than at any other during the day. While your growth hormones are released during the day, it peaks when you are asleep." Most kids and teens alike will probably think this is a good thing since at that age, it is important for them to grow. But also, you can tell them that they need to be rested for the most important job that they will have until they graduate from college, and that is school. Notice I envisioned a future that entails getting a higher education. This is important to drill into their heads when they are young and all throughout their puberty. You don't have to have attended college to instill in your child that they should. It should be a common practice to want your children to achieve more than you, and I don't mean just monetarily. I mean, you should want them to achieve more health, contentment and contribute more to society than you were able to.

This takes me to my second point. You want to have a vision for your child, you want to have goals. Oh sure, your children may not head down that same path that you have in mind, but you need for them to know that you want them to go somewhere. Right? So you want to talk about being healthy, eating well and knowing how to distinguish between the good kids and the ones that are up to no good. And naturally you want to subliminally and sometimes covertly have conversations about going to college or trade school. You want to say things like, "When you get older and are in college/trade school, you might wish it didn't take as long as it does. But you are worth 4 years, right? Your life is worth 4 years of school and once it's over, you will be so happy you did it and so you can on with whatever you thought you were missing!" If your child is a gifted musician, you would take him or her to concerts, or buy them DVD's or books about their idols, you'd want to encourage them to practice. You get the point, right? You need to invest in your child's future by co-creating it with them. And as you do this, you are also bonding, you are showing them that they matter. And this exchange gives you opportunities to talk about your values, the pitfalls in life and any tidbits of knowledge that is easy to remember in a pinch. I recall my mother saying to me, "a dog that will bring a bone will take a bone." And what that means is that those girls who would come to me and tell me all of Jane's business, would, if I allowed it, go to Jane and tell her my business. I never forgot that saying to this day, and whenever someone gossips, I know they are no one's true friend and especially not mine.

Speaking to your children about your vision for them gives you an opportunity to put little pieces of wisdom in between the conversation, things like, "Now, this musician had great talent but he squandered it by doing drugs... He probably thought it would just be a fun thing to do on the weekends, but it turned into an addiction, and then he overdosed...." Remember, your child is like a blank CD. When you start doing this when they are young there is no resistance at all! And what is great about this type of conversation, is that you can talk about this over and over and your child will love the attention! My father would sit in his recliner and talk about astronomy and encourage me to read philosophy books so that I would be skilled at reasoning. And I did read those books he recommended. Perhaps not from cover to cover, but enough to have more of an understanding than my peers. And my mother would sit on the edge of my bed every night and chat with me about my day. Though she stopped the sitting on my bed when I became a teenager, we continued sharing and bonding until the day she passed away. When I became an adult, my mother was actually my best friend.

When your children are young or when they are teenagers though, think of being a parent as you might a boss. When your boss says she wants the report by the end of the week, but then forgets to ask you for it, you lose a little respect for her. When your boss is in a meeting and allows one of the staff to talk over him and dominate the meeting, you lose confidence in his leadership ability. When your boss says to do something a certain manner but can't explain why, we suspect he isn't all that smart. We all want bosses who are fair, smart, honest and know what they are doing. We want bosses who say, "I want this tomorrow," and when tomorrow comes and we don't have it, even though we don't want to be berated, deep inside we do what him to give us that look. That look that says, "I know you can do better, and I expect that of you." Your children want these same qualities in a parent as well. When you say "no", mean it. When you say the entire family is going on a diet- do it. Model positive behaviors for your children. Always present yourself with maturity, with reason and calm emotions. You are the Queen and Kind of the castle, and you should be regal and deserving of respect. Be consistent, and always be very clear about what you are saying and why you expect what it is you are commanding.

Some parents want to be friends more than they want to be parents. This is a mistake. You always want there to be a little distance, some formality or the sense that you are an adult and not a peer, in your interactions with your children. When your boss becomes your friend, you feel kind of good inside, but only because you expect that he or she won't reprimand you like they will reprimand the other staff. This is what happens in parenting as well. When you are friends with your children, they expect you to let them off the hook when what they really need is for you to say- "I know you can do better and I expect that of you." And when you don't let them off the hook, your children become angry and upset. For some parents, this is a situation they dread. Instead of dread, a mature parent says, "Oh well. I am not here to please you. I am here to make sure you have what you need to be wise, happy and healthy." You are the boss and you need to act like one.

When you have a spouse, this makes it both easier and more difficult at the same time. You both need to be on the same page when it comes to parenting and values. You need to agree on whether yelling is okay or not, or whether hitting is acceptable. These conversations should occur before you have children, not in year 5 when your child's personality is already developed. Reading about parenting styles is crucial for the parents who want to raise responsible healthy children. When you and your partner are on the same page, however, it makes parenting a wondrous cooperative experience that builds self esteem and security within your children. Though a child will try to divide you and conquer, deep inside they truly want parents who are bonded and respectful of each other. When parents aren't in agreement, though your child will play each of you against the other, this estrangement damages your child's psyche because they know their family is not stable. Parents who are divided is to the child, like a company that's been taken over by another company that has a hostile attitude. It's scary, and they feel as though the company they work for might close its doors at any time and leave everyone out in the cold. A family is not stable when two parents are divided, for a divided house cannot stand. And lastly, never argue with one another in front of the children or curse or behave in any way that you wouldn't want your child to imitate with others or in school. For your child, you are how the world works, you are what they expect to the world to be like. If you are abusive, angry and out of control, your child will not only be the same, but expect this from others. When they don't find it in those they are around, they will usually seek out those who exhibit this kind of irrational behavior. But this can go the other way as well. When you are reasonable, thoughtful, calm and fair, your child is more likely to choose to be around people like this, or seek them out if who they are with, doesn't reflect these values.

So, here are some tips to remember:

• Your child is an empty slate, be wise about what you write onto it.

• Never lose control and yell or hit your children.

• Communicate, communicate, communicate. This teaches your child why they should be on board with your expectations. It also teaches them how to think in new circumstances.

• Have a vision for your child and talk to them about it over and over.

• When you say "no" or threaten a punishment, make sure your words are as certain as reality. Your child should be able to say, "My parents always mean what they say!"

• Use conversation to instill your values, your expectations, what makes a good friend or someone who might harm your child. Explain to them the pitfalls of life and what 'the good life' means to you.

• Don't argue or curse in front of your children. They will do the same to others.

• Both parents must have the same parenting values and have complimentary styles.

• Parents must show a unified front when speaking with the children and parenting them or your child will experience insecurity and anxiety.

And lastly, no parent is ever perfect, but you can be a prepared parent. Read, talk, and parent consciously, your peace of mind depends on it.

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