You talk all of the time and it is common to believe that if you are speaking the same language, you are being not only heard, but understood. The truth of the matter is you may be misunderstanding each other often. Why is that? You may wonder.

When you begin dating someone the success of your relationship is impacted by how successfully you and the other merge your beliefs, expectations and communication styles. According to C.J. Sager, author of Marriage Contracts and Couple Therapy, "people come into their relationships with expectations they picked up from their own families, from their immediate culture and from the media. Often these expectations are very different, but if a couple is to be successful, they must create from these expectations, order and cohesiveness." What C.J. Sager is saying not only applies to who you are dating, but friends and colleagues alike. You are all bringing into all of your conversations your past experiences and influences. Often these ideas and attitudes are no longer noticeable to you, or if you are aware of them, many of you feel that your world view is the correct one. In actuality, most of your views are neither right nor wrong they are just your opinions about life and the world that you have accepted as true.

As time passes and conversations are shared by you and your partner, friends or colleagues, you get to know each other. One of the things you are getting to understand are the other person's expectations, which are compatible with yours and which ones you think are important or not so important. When you don't acknowledge an important expectation of another you will notice that it causes conflict, hurt feelings or even anger. How you and the people in your life merge and respect each other's expectations are one of the most important elements that determine whether your relationship survives or not. Jobs are lost, friendships severed and marriages ended all because you or the other feels that those expectations that were crucial to you are ignored or seen as trivial by the other. But what happens if when you communicate you aren't really understood? How would you even begin to explain why something bothers you if when you speak, the other person doesn't really understand what you've just said? Talk about it more? That doesn't always work, and sometimes more talking only deepens the conflict. Bewildered you may have wondered how two intelligent people speaking the same language could be so awful at understanding each other. Oddly enough, the culprit is the communication you are using.

• Direct and Indirect Communication

According to Deborah Tannen, author of Talking From 9 to 5, there are two basic styles of communicating. When you are unaware of this, these two styles of communication, Direct and Indirect communication, clash, and make understanding each other virtually impossible. The reason why these styles are incompatible is because each style has a purpose that escapes the notice of the listener if that listener doesn't use that same style. Take for instance, a person that uses Direct communication. The purpose for them is only to communicate content. These are people who don't take your reaction or feelings into mind when they are communicating. If you end up with your feelings bruised, the reason escapes them, because to them, they were simply relaying honestly the content of whatever it is they were sharing. For the listener who uses Indirect communication, really all they heard was the perceived rudeness or callousness in your delivery. Now let's examine the purpose of someone who speaks indirectly. Their purpose is to also relay content, but their focus is more on not being offensive in any way. The Indirect communicator takes into consideration your feelings, and sometimes this is so important that the content of what they are also relaying, gets lost in the 'delicate delivery'. To the listener who uses a more Direct approach, they often leave not understanding what you were trying to communicate at all, and worse, they don't even know they didn't understand you! As an example, imagine this conversation between someone who uses Direct communication and another who uses Indirect communication. The italics describe what is really going on with the person communicating:

• Indirect Communication: "I think the next time you cook stir fry you should try Carrie's recipe." I don't like your stir fry.

• Direct Communication: "I don't like her recipe she uses ingredients that are fattening." Responds with the expectation that they understood what the other person communicated.

• Indirect Communication: "Well, neither of us is overweight, so what's the big deal?" I really want you to make stir fry the way Carrie does. Responds as though the other person really understood what was said and is just being defiant- an argument is moments away.

• Direct Communication: "We're not overweight because I'm careful about the ingredients that we use. I'm trying to take care of our health, don't you get that?" This communicator is feeling unappreciated and about to become defensive.

• Indirect Communication: "I appreciate that you care about what we eat, but I don't like this recipe!" This communicator is upset now, feeling that they have been forced to be what they perceive as rude.

• Direct Communication: "Oh, really?" Not upset with the direct language because this is their style as well. "What don't you like about it? Did I use too many spices?"

In this example, the communicator who is indirect thinks they are being heard clearly, but in actuality, they aren't. The communicator who is direct, accepts what the other is saying at face value and doesn't know how, or doesn't know to read between the lines. What has occurred is a misunderstanding with the indirect communicator feeling as though their concerns weren't acknowledged and to make things worse, they were forced to be what they perceived as rude. As for the direct communicator, thinking that the conversation was really about Carrie's recipe which they perceived as unhealthy, they felt unappreciated for caring enough to use healthy ingredients.

• How can misunderstandings be avoided?

• Recognize everyone has a unique way of communicating.

• Trust that the other person means no harm.

• Ask the other person what he thinks he heard you say.

• Paraphrase to the other what you think she's said.

• If the conversation becomes heated, take a time out and give it a rest.

• Combining Your Communication Styles

In a successful relationship, both of you have an understanding of how you communicate and you both realize and respect that the others way of communicating might differ from your own. Unfortunately, many of you tend to think that everyone communicates just as you do. When there are misunderstandings, you tend to think you were heard and understood and so you are left to blame it on the other person's insensitivity or inability to be unreasonable. In reality different styles of communicating have their advantages, work brilliantly when used in the right circumstances and create un-necessary contention when not. Trust really is one of the main ingredients to successful friendships and partnerships. When you rely on your trust, you are opened to the differences in each other and if you choose your friends and partnerships wisely, you can give the other the benefit of the doubt every time a dispute creeps in and threatens to tear apart the union.

Copyright Donya Ture'

YOUR COMMENTS ARE VERY WELCOME, JUST CLICK HERE!