Relationships are by nature, messy, even the good ones. They have to be, in that there are two people with two realities attempting to create and share one reality that works for them both. And that's often the problem, isn't it, creating and sharing a mutual reality? Think about that and what it entails. It entails finding what you already agree on, which takes a considerable amount of talking. And- this is important and often missed- then communicating in a manner that the other understands. Lastly in order to create a mutual reality that fairly represents both parties, you must then compromise on those areas where there isn't agreement, and then you have to do this for the duration of the relationship. That's a tall order, but not impossible judging by the amount of couples who've been together for decades and declare that the bliss is still alive.

One of the problems with so many people is that they mistakenly confuse their beliefs with who they are. Beliefs are tools that help us to function in life, they aren't us. We are the ones who use beliefs. We use beliefs like, "It's better to see a glass half full than half empty", or "Families should eat dinner together every night." These tools help us to function better in the world, true, but they aren't you. When you and your partner are having difficulty with blending your beliefs you must keep in mind that are you only blending tools. You are taking a Sledge hammer and a Ball Pein hammer and creating a Claw hammer. One person calls God, Jehovah and the other Allah, and so you merge and call your Maker the Divine, or something like that. But here's the truth, people have died for their ideas because their egos cause them to believe they are their ideas, or maybe they mistakenly believe their ideas are truth. Mankind can know truth the way the crew on the Titanic knew they were headed toward an iceberg. Oh sure, they saw the little mountain of ice, they even tried to navigate around it, but what they didn't know about was the monumental island of ice beneath the ocean's surface. That's how we are with truths. From our perspective we can only see the tip of truth, God/Universe sees the eternal. So the two crew members on the deck of a boat arguing about if the tip of the iceberg is 80 feet or 100 feet is a moot point, is what I'm getting at.

Another issue that makes relatioships maddening is when people don't work on themselves, when they don't look at themselves with honest intent, their relationships suffer. They suffer because when you aren't strong and you have to carry something, as an example, you have two choices. You work on getting stronger, or you ask your partner for help. If you aren't evolving and growing, you opt for the second choice. You ask your partner for help, except it doesn't come out like that. It's not like you actually humble yourself and ask for assistance. No, instead you say, "When you hang out with your friends, it makes me think you're cheating!" or "I need you to pay the car note this month...." Right, often you don't even admit you're overspending as the issue to why they should pay the car note, that bill that you agreed would be your responsibility. And then you probably get angry when they ask you why they have to pay it because that makes you feel uncomfortable which is your issue as well. And God forbid if they say that they won't pay it. You see, this is what happens when an emotionally underdeveloped person gets into a relationship. They end up needing all kinds of assistance managing their personal inner lives, which makes merging your realities an even murkier challenge.

Being in a relationship with someone weak makes merging your world views beliefs even more difficult because the other person wants you to agree to the stipulation that you will not only be their mate, but their manager as well. Except this kind of manager has no power, this kind of manager is only there to take up the slack and not to really have a say-so in the matter. This dynamic makes relationships really sticky and filled with heated arguments because deep down inside everyone knows a relationship is supposed to be between two whole people and not two halves. You see, you're not attempting to make one person, right? You're attempting to bring two people into a harmonious circle. Or look at it this way, a fetus ends up with its own lungs, heart, brain etc. enclosed in a tiny precious body, because nature is intending to make a whole person. So the same is true of two people. You have your own emotional system, and you are its manager not anyone else.

When you work on yourself and become a lovely, balanced individual, there is nothing else you need to do to attract your partner. All those articles about looking sexy and going to this place or taking up this or that hobby is not what makes the union work. What makes the union work is that you are the beach that finds its ocean. It's just nature and no one can explain why the chemistry blends as it does.

Here are some things to look for in your relationship:

• A balance between intimacy and independence.

• A person who is ripe for commitment comes to you in fullness and with ease.

• Someone who is willing to take some responsibility in any problem that arises.

• Someone who would rather face embarrassment or anger than lie and protect themselves.

• A willingness to grow and treat others even outside the relationship with respect and reverence.

• An acknowledgement that though emotions are important they are not barometers of facts or truths.

Love is ultimately a mystery. But one thing is for certain, love doesn't hurt, it doesn't harm and it doesn't oppress. On the contrary, love expands the heart and mind, it heals the soul and enables the other to soar to the place where the moon and the stars reside.

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